OPINION: Predictions for the New Year

Imagining 2021 could take even more twists and turns is difficult after a year like no other in recent memory, but few could be surprised at this point if it does.

So without further preamble, a stab at predicting events we could see in the New Year.

Anchorage Acting Mayor Austin Quinn-Davidson will take one COVID-19 test per week until she tests positive again. After proving people can get it twice, she will restrict households to no more than two people and move any extra members into the Golden Lion Inn. The Assembly will approve of this by an 8-0 vote after Eagle River members Jamie Allard and Crystal Kennedy are locked out of the meeting by a giggling Felix Rivera.

An attempt to resolve the deadlocked membership of the Alaska House of Representatives through a game of rock-paper-scissors will fail to succeed after more than one hundred rounds when everybody keeps throwing rock.

In an effort to finally win a court case, Gov. Mike Dunleavy will sue himself.

Alaska gets a break when President Joe Biden approves drilling in ANWR because he thinks it’s in Iran.

Republicans will lose both Senate runoff seats in Georgia after the Secretary of State decides to accept Atlanta Falcons jerseys as proof of residency.

Television networks trying to lift ratings after setting records during the Trump years will turn to new spinoffs including the Masked Chef, the Masked Pawn Star and the Masked Bachelor. The trend will jump the shark after the debut of The Masked Curse of Oak Island.

However, masks in general will surge in popularity after people who’ve received the COVID-19 vaccine won’t shut up about it.

Intrigue will unfold in the White House when it is Vice President Kamala Harris, rather than President Biden, who isn’t allowed access to sharp objects.

Oil will jump by $10 per barrel after Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is named Biden’s Climate Czar and she gets her own private plane to fly around the country promoting the Paris Accords.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will agree to President Trump’s demand for bigger economic stimulus checks after she realizes $600 isn’t enough to fill her $24,000 freezer with her favorite ice cream. In turn she will offer each American a coupon for a personal spa day.

After Jan. 20, the media sector will suffer major losses mostly in fact-checking jobs as news organizations return to believing everything that comes from the White House, interviewing Biden’s dog and covering every fashion magazine cover with spreads of Harris and You-better-call-her-Doctor Jill Biden.

Some of these predictions are more likely than others, but one is certain: No matter what happens, it least it won’t be 2020.

Andrew Jensen can be reached at [email protected].

Updated: 
12/23/2020 - 9:13am