OPINION: An unforgettable, very forgettable year from A to Z

Listen my fellow Alaskans, and you shall hear

The story of 2020

A very strange year

A is for Anchorage Acting Mayor Austin QD

Once a humble member of the town Assembly

She was sworn into office on October twenty-three

How she got the job is really bizarre

With the stroke of the pen she closed all the bars

The diners, the theaters, and the bingo halls

But she still got the virus

So do masks work at all?

B is for Biden, the President-Elect

Best known for sniffing the occasional neck

Whether he knows he won or not, we only can suspect

This dusty codger is as old as can be

I think that he was born in 1893

He hid in the basement to avoid all the drama

Yet somehow got 10 million more votes than even Obama

C is for Clarkson, the former AG

Who lost his job over the kissy emoji

Government officials, you will find when we get to letter E

If you don’t want to go out like a clown

Before you hit send, put the damn phone down

D is for Dunleavy, now halfway through his term

To go a month without a biblical disaster

Is for what he must yearn

Earthquakes and floods, fires and a pandemic

Do you think he wishes

He would have stayed in the Senate?

E is for Ethan, continued from C

We saw more of him

Than we ever wanted to see

The internet is forever but Berky is gone

Unfortunately for Anchorage his mandates live on

F is for Fund, the Permanent one

It’s worth more than $70 billion

Will Alaskans get some?

G is for Gabby LeDoux who finally lost

She must have run out of those voters

That are gathering moss

H is for Healthcare workers

Our frontline heroes

Try as they might

Cases will never hit zero

I is for Independent

That’s what Gross and Galvin claimed to be

But you can’t spell defeated

Without starting and ending with a D

J is for Journalism

The industry had a bad year

Burying the stories they didn’t want you to hear

From Hunter’s laptop to Mideast peace in our time

Most of them are just Democrats with a byline

K is for Kriner

Who owns a popular diner

To his friends he’s a patriot

To his opponents he’s a whiner

Whether you think he’s wrong or he’s right

He fed hundreds of people on Thanksgiving night

L is for Legislature

For which there is no good rhyme

It took COVID-19

To make them finish on time

M is for Masks

The most 2020 of all tasks

To forget yours, stomp, and say “Blast!”

Then to the car you must now walk back

N is for Netflix

Who gave us a needed fix

Of Tiger King and Cobra Kai

Big cats and karate kicks

It also gave the answer to what we’ve all been askin’

What went wrong in 2020?

It was that bitch Carole Baskin

O is for Outdoors

The only place safe place to eat

As long as there is a tent

That’s covering your seat

P is for the Plain

On the coast of ANWR

It took 40 years to hold a sale

The lawyers hope won’t go far

Just don’t wait for them

To stop driving fancy cars

Q is for Quarantine

For 10 days or 14

Make a mess

Work in sweats

Looking good on Zoom is half the stress

R is for Riots

Where the virus cannot spread

So say our experts

Who lost all their cred

Burning down a building for justice is fine

But don’t open your gym

You’re stepping out of line

S is for Small business

Getting kicked in the knees

Meanwhile Amazon and Walmart

Are having a party

T is for Trump

That magnificent bastard

Never was a president

A bigger champion for Alaska

Biden will try to undo everything he did

At least on the days his people don’t have to call a lid

U is for Unemployment

The benefits don’t cut it

If politicians had to live on them

They’d be fixed in a minute

V is for Vaccine

We have not one, but two

Trump said we would by now

And the media poo-poo’d

Still they wonder why

People call them the Fake News

W is for Washington

The biggest swamp on Earth

Nearly every problem comes from there

And their solutions are often worse

Don’t wear masks! Now you must!

Just two weeks, listen to us!

Everything is Red versus Blue

Pelosi sucks, and McConnell does, too

They keep winning every time

Feeding us the same old line

Raking in the lobbyist dough

No wonder every store is out of ammo

X marks the spot

Where A to Z columns die

No matter how I try and try

I gave up and skipped to Y

Y is for Don Young

Who beat back the corona

And made it back to work just in time

To vote for marijuana

Z is for Zink

To whom I owe a drink

For all of her hard work

And for not having to think

About a letter Z

To finish up this poem

Good riddance to 2020

And good luck in ’21!

Andrew Jensen can be reached at [email protected].

12/16/2020 - 10:16am